Canada in Syria, the short story

Hi Justin,
I just got your message that you:
"... need Canadians who believe in our plan and believe in our team standing shoulder-to-shoulder with me. I need your creativity. Your ideas. Your energy. Your leadership."
Thanks but it just cannot be. Fidelity to political dogma is the hangman of creativity.

Nevertheless, I suspect you'll need a little creative help to deal with issues stemming from various promises that you have made.

One promise comes to mind. The promise to stop bombing ISIS. I see that the venerable Rex Murphy has thrown down the guantlet. Rex demands, "What are you going to do to save the Syrians?"

Don't blame colonialization. Shia and Sunni do not play well together. They haven't since the schism when prophet Muhammad died in the year 632. These people really know how to hold a grudge, big time! They were cutting off each others heads for a thousand years before colonization and they'll still be at it in a thousand years from now.

What can a nice Canadian contribute to a stage full of actors who are so earnestly exercising their respective religious insanities?

Hold up a mirror of mirth. Kill them with kindness. Look, these guys are all wound up like alarm clocks. They have no outlet for their frustrations. Their religion suppresses both booze and natural sexual relationships. Much as they'll hate it, they really need a shit-dump of humour.

I suggest bombing them with candy. At Easter we could drop plane loads of chocolate bunnies with candy floss parachutes. Stuff the bunnies with chocolate eggs. On Halloween, send stealth bombers disguised as witches on brooms to carpet bomb them with sugary treats. Come Christmas, send drones delivering candy canes and chocolate Santa's. We could even put a dashed line of white chocolate on each Santa neck, with instructions, "cut to open". Rolling Santa heads would spill chocolate kisses. What could be more delightful for a sword-wielding fundamentalist? How about a shipment of virgin sex-bots?

No Jihadist could be belligerent after all that?

OK, I'm guessing that some of them won't lighten up. But at the very least, they will get fat and diabetic from eating the same sort of rubbish that we feed our kids. So even if they still want to fight, they just won't be so damned good at it.