Justin Trudeau: our new Prophet for growth

Every four years or so, Canadians come together to worship GDP. At this ritual gathering they cast their votes at a Prophet who has a magical formula to "grow the economy". In 2015 the votes landed on Justin Trudeau.

GDP is the dollar value of all the goods and services within Canada. Ka-Ching! That's GDP going up!

The economy hadn't been doing so well during the reign of the previous Prophet. Apparently it wasn't his fault, the rest of the world was to blame!

Thank goodness for that the globalized economy! It makes a handy excuse for a stuff-up and still serves as an icon for future growth... (Funny how economists jigger their story so that they score a win no matter what the outcome. Even stranger that people believe the bums.)

Our former Prophet, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, did have a few success stories, he wasn't totally without hope.

After all the British Columbia economy had grown, thanks to rocketing house prices. That's right folks, when property values go up, it's not inflation. It's GDP going up! It's called "growing the economy". Ka-Ching!

We like it when the price of residential property soars, just like we just l-o-v-e to moan about unaffordable housing.

Alberta was another success story for Prophet Harper. First, a little history. Alberta was merely rich back in the old days. Way back when they could invest $1 to get $100 return by drilling for light, sweet oil. But the opportunity to really grow GDP could only be realized once all that Texas tea was squandered.

To really grow their GDP — and debt and population — Alberta had to get into the tar sands business. The first great thing about the tar sands is that there is just so much of the stuff. The second great thing about exploiting tar sands is that you need to invest $50 to get $100 return. That means 50 times more infrastructure and many more people are required to squander this new resource. Ka-Ching!

The only thing that could go wrong was those pesky Muslims in the Middle East. They still had lots of Texas tea. The bastards undercut our tarsands venture. You can't blame them, really. After all, war was brewing — nothing to do with us — so the Sunni needed some quick cash to kill Shia and the Shia needed a fast buck to kill Sunni. Ah, globalization!

So it came to pass that a new Prophet was elected. Our new Prophet is the sonny-boy of our once favoured, long discarded, P.E.T. Don't fuss. This is Canada. Unlike USA and UK, we're not dynastic.

Our brand new Prophet backs up his sexy good looks and his sunny disposition with an optimistic plan. It goes something like this:

Wait, that's what the old Prophet did: growing population, making bigger investments for less energy return, and globalization.

Of course, the new Prophet has charisma. An economist foretold that he will succeed by doing the same, just so long as he does much more of it!

I predict that these policies will keep Canada from freezing over, until the fossil fuel runs out.

After that, Who cares? By then, we'll have Prophet Trudeau version 3.0.