(Webmaster's apologies for bastardizing what was once perfectly sound science.)
The Physics of MoronsLawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons!!
But, wait, who believes in science anymore anyhow? But, if one does, one has to note the recent discovery of the lightest element known: Trumpium (Tr), consisting of exactly 1 moron.
Media field theorists had long hypothesized the existence of Trumpium but scientists were taken surprise by when it spontaneously condensed from a cloud of Celebritium.
Initial predictions that Trumpium would have an infinitesimal halflife turned out to be overly optimistic. Instead, Trumpium inflated faster than the speed of light and filled all known Media-space --- thus becoming not only the most singular, lightweight and fastest element but also the most ubiquitous.
String theorists have calculated two possible outcomes:
- Trumpium may inflate into the Administratium at which point all morons will suck theselves into a blackhole, leaving the peons forever orbiting the Media-event horizon.
- The Media-space may coalesce with its complex-conjugate, at which point Trumpium will degenerate into a Weakly Interacting Massive Pinhead (WIMP) and the morons will forget that it ever happened.