Children and teenagers, both girls and boys, are learning about relationships and much of that learning takes place at home.
Children who live in homes where there is abuse may learn that the more powerful a person acts the more they can control others.
They may learn that violence and abuse are acceptable and a good way to solve problems and that you can win by picking on someone less powerful than you. Children and teens may witness abuse of their mothers or be directly abused themselves.
The effects of this abuse on them will worsen over time. Women may stay in the home believing that it is best for the children and that the family should remain together at all costs. They may believe that their partner is a good parent if he is not directly abusing the children.
IN FACT THE EFFECTS OF WITNESSING ABUSE ARE AS DESTRUCTIVE AS EXPERIENCING ABUSE DIRECTLY.
Parents tend to underestimate the amount of abuse their children actually do see and hear, believing that a child who is in another room or asleep does not realize what is happening. What they are learning about the roles of people in family relationships may perpetuate the generational cycle of violence.
It was reported in the 1993 Violence Against Women Survey (cited in Statistics Canada, 2000) that men who, as children, witnessed their fathers being violent were three times as likely to use violence against their wives as men who had not witnessed this in childhood.
As parents become aware of the effects of abuse on children and act to change their own lives the generational cycle of violence can be weakened.
Children need to know how they can be safe and to know that the abuse is not their fault. They need to know that it can be safe to talk about what happens at home; that it can be safe to express their feelings and that anger does not have to lead to violence.
THE IMPACT ON CHILDREN EXPOSED TO FAMILY VIOLENCE
Research indicates that children are negatively affected by exposure to abuse of their mothers. Some children exhibit emotional and behavioural problems similar to those of children who have been physically and sexually abused.
CHILDREN WHO ARE EXPOSED TO VIOLENCE MAY:
- feel frightened, confused and unhappy
- behave aggressively, become belligerent or withdrawn and act fearful
- become depressed or even suicidal
- feel responsible for the violence
- exhibit self-destructive, accident prone behaviour
- have physical complaints such as headaches or stomach aches
- have night time difficulties such as insomnia, nightmares or bed wetting
- seek punishment with behaviours such as lying or stealing believing punishment means love
- adopt rigid gender role identification such as
- girls - withdrawn, passive, compliant, approval-seeking behaviour
- boys - aggressive, acting out, bullying and self destructive behaviour
LONG TERM EFFECTS:
- INTERGENERATIONAL VIOLENCE - one of the most serious long-term effects on children exposed to violence is the transmission of abusive behaviour to following generations. Violence in the home becomes a model by which the child learns aggressive behaviour as well as learning that the behaviour is an acceptable means to resolving a conflict. It is important to note, that not all boys will behave violently and not all girls will end up in an abusive relationship.
- EDUCATION AND SOCIAL SKILLS - some research has shown that adolescents who are exposed to violence in the home often drop out of school or can engage in violent criminal behaviour. Research also suggests that children exposed to violence often develop poor social skills, which might have an impact on their ability to function as healthy, productive adults.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
FACTS TO CONSIDER:
- children who see or hear their mothers abused are victims of emotional abuse
- growing up in such an environment is terrifying and severely affects a child's psychological and social development
- boys may learn to model violent behaviour
- girls may learn that being abused is a normal part of relationships
- emotional abuse of children can result in serious emotional and/or behavioural problems including:
- depression
- lack of emotional bond to a parent
- low educational achievement
- children who are emotionally abused may be angry, uncooperative, lack creativity, persistence and enthusiasm
- children who experience a parent being verbally aggressive (e.g. yelling, insulting) or symbolically aggressive (e.g. slamming doors, silent treatment) often show higher rates of physical aggressiveness, delinquency and interpersonal problems
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
- provide a safe and non-threatening environment
- understand your child is going through the same emotions and fears you are but may not have the language to express what they are feeling
- recognize that the stress you are experiencing can make you a less effective parent
- give your children helpful messages to let them know that it's not their fault
- ensure you and your children have someone to talk to
IMAGINE GROWING UP IN A HOUSE WHERE...
YOUR DAD:
- beats your mom and threatens to kill her
- threatens to kill himself
- calls your mom nasty names
- destroys your mom's precious possessions
- tries to hurt you or your pet
- throws things around in a fit of rage
- believes he has a right to hurt your mom
- believes your mom deserves to be hit
- tells you not to listen to your mom because "she's a rotten mother"
- is angry a good deal of the time
- sometimes cries because he hurts your mom
- says he can't control himself
- walks around like a time bomb ready to blow up any minute
- PROMISES HE WILL NEVER HURT YOU OR YOUR MOM AGAIN AND THEN HE DOES
YOUR MOM:
- feels terrified of your dad
- tries to escape from your dad's temper
- screams out for help
- creeps around the house so dad won't get mad
- picks up the kitchen knife to defend herself
- forgives your dad when he cries
- thinks she deserves to be hit
- makes excuses for your dad's temper tantrums
- feels helpless to change her life
- feels depressed and cries a good deal of the time
- gets furious at your dad and takes it out on you
- is frustrated and yells a lot
- PROMISES TO LEAVE IF YOUR DAD EVER HITS HER AGAIN AND THEN SHE DOESN"T
The Nova Scotia Children and Family Services Act recognizes witnessing domestic violence as one condition under which a child may become in need of protective services.
EVERY PERSON IS LEGALLY REQUIRED TO REPORT ANY CASE OF SUSPECTED CHILD ABUSE