PLANNING TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP SAFELY
If you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship you are the best judge of how to do it safely. A good way to begin, if possible, is by talking about it with someone you trust. This might be someone at a shelter in your area, a mental health counsellor, a relative or a friend. The more contacts you make the more information you will have on options available to you.
WHEN YOU ARE PLANNING TO LEAVE THE FOLLOWING CAN BE HELPFUL:
- Open a secret bank account in your name
- Make a habit of leaving the house often ( going out to shovel or weed the garden might give you a chance to escape).
- Think about all the possible exits from every room in your house that you could safely use if you needed to get out fast.
- Think about who could lend you money in an emergency or look after your pets.
- Ask a neighbour to keep an eye on your house and call police if there is a disturbance
- Try to keep money, an extra set of keys, copies of important papers and some clothing with someone you trust.
- Things to take when you leave might include identification papers for you and your children, health cards and records, medications, favorite toys, photos and jewellery.
- Teach your children what to do in case there is a violent incident in your home; this might include going to the neighbour's for help or calling 911 - be aware that the address from which you call 911 is the one that will show up.
- Have a code word for you and your children to use when calling a neighbour or someone else that means you need the police.
- Always try to take your children with you or arrange to leave them with someone you trust - if you have legal custody of them or if there is no custody order in place no one has the right to stop you from taking them.
- Think about where it will be safe for you to go - will your partner look for you there?
- Keep the shelter number and change or a calling card with you at all times.
As you are thinking about leaving you may believe you are safer at home because then you know what your partner is doing and what mood he is in. It is important not to underestimate the danger you are in.
If you partner has been violent he will probably get worse.
The breaking up period can be the most dangerous time. Even if your partner has never been violent he might become very aggressive if he knows you are leaving.
Very OFTEN THERE ARE WARNING SIGNS that abuse or violence is going to happen.
THESE COULD INCLUDE:
- use of drugs or alcohol
- increased verbal or emotional abuse
If your partner has beaten you once and has a pattern of beating you two or three times in a row you can expect it to happen again.
If your partner owns a weapon which has recently been hidden or moved you are in a very dangerous situation.
If you are being abused or are beginning to see these signs you may need to abandon further planning and take the following steps to leave as quickly as possible:
- Move out of rooms like the kitchen and bathroom where there may be dangerous objects and get to an exit.
- Run outside where people can see and hear you and scream.
- Call 911 and try to stay on the line until someone answers - if this is not possible just leave the phone off the hook after you have dialed and the 911 system will still show your telephone number and address.
- When police come ask them to take you and your children to a transition house or other safe place - your abuser may act calmly while police are there but begin to abuse you again after they leave.
REMEMBER TO TRUST YOUR OWN INSTINCTS
If the situation seems very dangerous you may decide to wait until you feel it is safe to leave or call police. It is important to stay in contact with supportive people after you have left. Transition House workers can talk with you about developing a plan for staying safe after you have left the relationship and in some cases Transition Houses can provide you with an emergency cell phone.