TYPES OF ABUSE

ABUSE in families or intimate relationships IS NOT A NEW PROBLEM.

IT CAN HAPPEN ANYWHERE AND TO ANYONE REGARDLESS OF:

If one partner in a relationship has MORE POWER and USES IT TO CONTROL the other person - this is abuse.

The fact that the person being abused is close to, trusts and depends on the abuser makes it easier for them to be controlled.

Power and Control

ABUSE FREQUENTLY BEGINS WITH ISOLATION.

To the extent that a woman becomes distanced from positive supportive people in her life she will be easier to control. When a woman maintains contact with a network of people who care about her she will be more likely to realize she is being abused and that she doesn't deserve such treatment.







ABUSE CAN BE DESCRIBED IN 3 FORMS:

These CAN OVERLAP into each other. Abuse can mean doing something or threatening to do something which is harmful to another person.

PHYSICAL ABUSE is when someone does harm to your body or threatens to do so.

It is abuse because it is done in an attempt to control you, your thoughts and actions, by causing fear or pain. Physical abuse can sometimes seem playful or accidental and a woman might think her partner is not in control.

HOWEVER, it is often done to parts of the body where bruises won't show, done in private where no one can see or help and done to someone who is not likely to fight back. It usually gets worse and more frequent with time because it gives the abuser control over the partner.

PHYSICAL ABUSE CAN INCLUDE:

SEXUAL ABUSE can harm your body and your emotions. It can involve forcing or manipulating you into doing something you don't want to do. A woman may believe she cannot be raped by someone with whom she has had sex before or she may believe that only rape is sexual abuse. If she does not have real FREEDOM OF CHOICE about what she does then it is abuse.

Her partner may threaten to hurt or leave her or may harass her until she gives in to the unwanted activity.

SEXUAL ABUSE CAN INCLUDE:

SEXUAL ABUSE DOES NOT HAVE TO INVOLVE PHYSICAL CONTACT but it still causes damage to your good feelings about yourself and your body.

THE ABUSER MAY:

EMOTIONAL ABUSE can include many forms of abuse. Its effect is to gain control of the intimate partner from the inside; that is of her thoughts, feelings and decisions or actions.

IT MAY INCLUDE:

Women who are abused will often say that BRUISES HEAL BUT THE EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE ARE DEVASTATING AND LONG LASTING

A woman who is emotionally abused has a very hard time feeling good about herself. She may doubt and question herself in every aspect of her life.

THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSE(CYCLE OF VIOLENCE)

In many abusive relationships, including those involving teens, there is a fairly PREDICTABLE CYCLE OF EVENTS.

Things may start out fairly well in the beginning - THE HONEYMOON STAGE but as time passes there is more abuse because of one partner's DESIRE TO CONTROL OR DOMINATE the other - THE TENSION BUILDING STAGE. Eventually, there may be an explosive incident involving increased or extreme physical, sexual or emotional abuse - THE ABUSIVE INCIDENT. After this may be a more calm period when things seem to be going well again - HONEYMOON.

This DOESN'T LAST and the same thing takes place all over again.

When a woman is living in a relationship like this it may be hard to see that there is a cycle and that she has little control over her own life because so much energy is spent reacting to her partner's moods.

She may believe that the abuse will not happen again, that it was an accident, that it was caused by outside pressures or that she was to blame - DENIAL

In fact ABUSE RARELY HAPPENS ONLY ONCE and it usually gets more serious and more frequent.

Women who realize that there is a cycle of abuse will also realize that ABUSE IS NOT AN ACCIDENT

A calm period is always followed eventually by more abuse because it gets the abuser exactly what he wants - control of the partner.

WOMEN also come to understand that they DO NOT CAUSE AND CANNOT CONTROL THE ABUSE

Knowing that she will almost definitely be abused again a woman can plan for how to keep herself and her children safe.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

EMOTIONAL ABUSE is no less dangerous than physical abuse and OFTEN LEADS TO PHYSICAL ABUSE

In the 1999 General Social Survey ( Statistics Canada, 2000) women who said they were emotionally abused also reported experiencing a rate of violence 10 times higher than that reported by women who did not experience emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is so difficult to define that a woman may think it's in her imagination and that she is not being abused. As a woman becomes more isolated from people who support her emotionally she eventually begins to believe the abuser's reality - that she is crazy, no good, stupid and can't make it on her own.

As she internalizes these false ideas about herself her SELF ESTEEM DROPS.

This process may be so subtle and gradual that she has no idea why she feels so terrible. She may feel hopeless and exhausted as if she has lost her identity and control over her life.

She may doubt her own decision making and judgement. Due to her self doubt she may feel the need to have whatever she says confirmed by someone else or need to justify and give proof of the simplest statements she make.

With EDUCATION about emotional abuse and contact with SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE a woman can realize that she is not crazy and have her own

ideas of reality confirmed

SHE CAN BEGIN TO TRUST HER JUDGEMENT THAT IF SOMETHING FEELS WRONG TO HER IT PROBABLY IS ABUSE

SELF ESTEEM

SELF ESTEEM is how you feel about yourself. It AFFECTS EVERYTHING you do and is CRUCIAL TO YOUR WELL BEING.

Even though your self esteem may be good at first it can be damaged by abuse.

IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP A WOMAN MAY BE TOLD:

If a women LIVES WITH THIS CRITICISM LONG ENOUGH she may BEGIN TO BELIEVE what is said about her ability, intelligence or appearance.

She may believe she is not a good mother and doubt herself in areas where she used to feel good about herself.

EVENTUALLY, in addition to her partner's criticism, she is CRITICIZING HERSELF in her own mind.

If she makes a mistake she will tell herself she really must be stupid as her partner has so often told her.

THE EFFECTS OF LOW SELF ESTEEM CAN BE SEVERE

She may believe she deserves to be abused and feel she has no control over her own life. She may no longer trust her own judgement and become physically ill and depressed.

In an effort to adapt to living with abuse she may change her personality so that she no longer knows who she is, what she enjoys, dislikes or would like in the future.

When women begin to talk and think about the issue of self esteem and spend time with positive supportive people they can begin to feel good about themselves and gain independence.

BELIEVING SHE DESERVES TO BE TREATED WELL GIVES A WOMAN STRENGTH AND CONFIDENCE TO BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO BEING ABUSED

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Whether or not a woman has grown up witnessing or experiencing abuse she may not have thought about how to choose healthy ways of relating and how to avoid abuse or about what makes a relationship healthy.

Women who grew up in homes where there was abuse may have learned to expect control and abuse in their adult relationships and may confuse jealousy or dependence with love.

If she has only ever seen abusive relationships she may never expect anything different and may not be able to identify the reasons why her life doesn't feel right.

She will only expect change in her life if she is aware of how it could be different. Looking at the components of healthy relationships can help a woman identify and understand how an abusive relationship is harming her and can give her validation that she has ample reason to feel unhappy in that relationship.

She needs to know that she deserves to be treated well; to have an equal share in decisions and responsibilities and to have respect and support for her feelings, ideas and opinions.

JUNIPER HOUSE ALSO OFFERS PROGRAMS ON THE FOLLOWING TOPICS:

INDICATORS OF ABUSE