The Website We Outgrew

How to Give Cats and Dogs Pills
But Never a Friend Like That
To Our Special Fur Babies
Paw Prints
Doggy Dictionary
If Dog could ask God a few questions...
The Guardian

How To Give Cats and Dogs Pills

CATS:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if  holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of  mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foilwrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.  Apply  whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little #!?%&*'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy dutypruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOGS:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

~unknown

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"I talk to him when I'm lonesome like,
and I'm sure he understands.
When he looks at me so attentively,
and gently licks my hands;
Then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes,
but I never say naught thereat,
For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes,
but never a friend like that!"

- W. Dayton Wedgefarth

"Agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." - George Eliot (1819-1880) English novelist

"I've caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs." - Barbara Woodhouse (1910-1988) Irish author and dog trainer

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"If a dog's prayers were answered, bones would rain from the sky." - Proverb

TO OUR SPECIAL FUR BABIES
What would I do without you
My precious, furry friend?...
Part mischief, but all blessing,
and faithful to the end!
You look at me with eyes of love:
You never hold a grudge...
You think I'm far too wonderful
to criticize or judge.
It seems your greatest joy in life
is being close to me...
I think God knew how comforting
your warm, soft fur would be.
I know you think you're human,
but I'm glad it isn't true...
The world would be a nicer place
if folks were more like you!
A few short years is all we have:
One day we'll have to part...
But you my pet, will always
have a place within my heart.

- Hope Marrington Molb

Paw Marks by W.J. Hickmott, Jr.

On the floor I see the marks of muddy footprints.
My favorite chair is graced by long grey hairs,
The window panes have smudgy little nose marks,
But you know, I love to see those dear marks there.

There's a bone behind the davenport I fancy,
A rubber doll lies lonesome on the floor,
A little leather harness on the table,
A dog leash on the handle of the door.

I know they're out of place and look untidy,
But yet, I think I like them on the whole,
They make a house a home, a place that's happy,
A little puppy's paw marks on your soul.

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Author: Fido Dalmatian, Professor of Doglish, Dog University

A Dog’s Dictionary

LEASH: A strap, which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs, to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. 

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
 

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.

If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

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If Dog could ask God a few questions...

Dear God:

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Where are their priorities?

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!  I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?

Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

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The Guardian

Two travelling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.  The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in their guest room.  Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.   As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel relied, “Things aren’t always what they seem.”.

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable, farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their bed so they could have a good night’s rest. When the sun came up the next morning, the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their only source of income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was very angry and asked the older angel how she could have let this happen? 

“The first man had everything, yet you helped him. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.”

“Things aren't always what they seem.” the older angel replied. “When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.”

“Then, last night, as we slept in the farmer’s bed, the angel of death came for his wife.  I gave him the cow instead.”

“Things aren’t always what they seem.”

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don’t turn out the way we feel they should.  If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some people become friends and stay awhile, leaving beautiful footprints on our heart and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend.

Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present!

We all have a special Guardian Angel and she is always thinking:

• Somebody is very proud of you
• Somebody is thinking of you
• Somebody wants to talk to you
• Somebody hopes you aren’t in trouble
• Somebody wants to hold your hand
• Somebody is celebrating your successes
• Somebody wants to give you a gift
• Somebody is thinking of you and smiling
• Somebody misses you
• Somebody is caring about you
• Somebody wants to be with you
• Somebody wants you to be happy
• Somebody admires your strength
• Somebody wants you to find them
• Somebody thinks YOU are a gift
• Somebody hopes everything turns out all right
• Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided
• Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on
• Somebody loves you.

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